Changing our hearts

Today I have been reflecting on change. Something with which I am well acquainted. When I was growing up my father was in the military and before that even, we moved a lot. I have often reflected on those experiences. I don't feel "ripped off" that we never stayed in one place for long but have seen it as an opportunity to make friends quickly. You get used to leaving so you quickly find "kindred spirits" many of which have become life long friends. The most important thing that I have learned is that change is nothing to be feared, it is just an opportunity to grow and have a new adventure. So I guess my present circumstances dictate a "new adventure" so to speak.
I have been reading the Bonds that Make us Free by C. Terry Warner. I LOVE this book. It is scary, in a good way. Introspection is my favorite pass time, because I learn a lot about change. Especially change in myself. I really believe that you cannot become who you are meant to be without being in a constant state of change, it is a never ending journey. I do not mean that in any way to be negative but rather to see it as an opportunity to reflect and correct.

I have been rolling around the whole concept of "being stuck" as presented in the book.It says that "when we are "stuck" we think falsely that the problem lies with other people, when the truth is that it lies within ourselves." Now this can be a hard pill to swallow. But its the truth. Thats the funny thing about truth, its true whether you believe it or not. This book deals with not only changing our actions and "controlling" ourselves to not say things we should not but to actually change our hearts. There is such a huge difference, and as I have thought about this concept I have reflected on my relationship with my children. I am often impatient and try and bite my tongue when they do things that annoy me. But taking it to another level where your thoughts are pure and kind and NOT annoyed is very difficult. But to realize that usually the things that annoy me are because I choose to be annoyed. It is therefore my problem. When we can change our hearts toward others we can get "unstuck." It is not someone Else's problem that we cannot love deep enough, it is ours. That hurts.
There is also a sense of self betrayal that the book talks about, when we go against what we know is correct. When we know we should do or say something and we don't. Like when we hear the baby cry and we lay there too selfish to get up knowing that our partner is tired, but all the while wishing they would wake up and take care of it. We know that we should do this, because we are prompted with the thought that tells us "your spouse is tired you should go." We all have times where we are "untrue" to ourselves. When we are not doing what we know we should we are lying to ourselves about who we are. Because we are not responding to our nature to nurture and not listening to the promptings of the spirit. In that way we live a lie. I have never thought about it quite that way before, but in order to give all that we can to make our relationships flourish we must put aside our selfish tendencies and listen to who we truly are. I find this especially jabbing for me in respect to my kids. I often push aside what I am prompted to do because its hard or because I am tired.When I think about my children I have such tender feelings toward them and realize that I am not always sensitive to their feelings and needs. Being a parent requires that we sacrifice many things but what else can bring us greater joy than our families, so when you think about it, it really isn't a sacrifice. I was thinking about this while I was at nursery today. The kids were running up to me as I sat on the floor and I would grab them and tickle them as they laid on the floor laughing so hard. I can still see the joy on their faces and it is implanted on my mind that I feel joy when they feel joy. When I can see my children happy, I am happy. Interesting that we find that in giving actually is where we find joy. I need more of that. I tend to get so busy living life and thinking about where, what and how I will orchestrate every detail of paying bills, running the household without a husband and trying to stay above the water emotionally, that I forget to STOP being so serious. I am happy but I need to take the moments that I have to feel joy with my children. I want their memories of their childhood to be filled with happy memories and know that above all I loved the Lord and I loved them. This week I will be working on creating memories with my kids that help them feel joy.The longer you live the more you realize how far you still have to go. I have a long way.And I still wish I had someone to share all this with. It would make things somewhat easier to know that you could have someone to talk with and to process things with, and someone to support in their self discovery too. But we do what we can with what we have and just hold on to the promise that if we are faithful we will one day have all the righteous desires of our hearts.