I have had a few thoughts rolling around in my head today. A thought was prevoked by a post a friend put on his facebook today that got me thinking about how far things have come for me personally. It has taken me a long time to get here but I finally dont care what people think of me. I dont even want to know what they think. Thats not to say that I dont want to be liked because I try to be nice to everyone I meet, but what they think of me matters very little. The reason is that quite frankly I have SO many other things to worry about. They say that you cannot please everyone and its true. The other thing that I realized as I posted on his wall how much I approciated his accepting me in the Zumba class- that as he has friends that love and care about him- so do I. I have a wonderful group of support and love that surrounds me and I am so blessed.

This week I have had a lot of discouragement as I have been unable to workout for almost a week because of my back. About two weeks ago I REALLY discovered that I LOVE zumba and that it makes me feel AMAZING. I could do three hours a day if I had the time, and I would if my body would let me. One of life's challanges is to work at a speed that does not kill you. I like to roll over everything with intensity but alas I cannot or I will put myself in intensive care. I guess thats one thing that is always a challange- finding balance in life. Its hard when you want to just GO FOR IT and workout like a maniac.....and you can't. Then all you are left with is nutrition. Thats the hard part.
I have decided that personally I am letting myself die. I am not nurturing my friendships, I am not doing ANYTHING to grow personally in many areas of my life. I want to change that.

Today My husband found me in tears. I was so frusterated with my back and the fact that I caught a nasty bug and am fighting it and feeling very low. He asked me if I had thought about asking my Heavenly Father for help. You know I have. But I have not done it. The desire of my heart is to be pain free and I KNOW that WHEN I get this weight off it will improve my well being and the quality of life for me. I want this so bad. I need this. I know that he knows it but I also know he wants to hear it from me. Why is that so hard for me to do? Am I afraid he won't help me? Am I afraid of actually giving up control? Accepting that I have NO control. Yep. I am. SO I am letting go ....again.
I have felt a tinge of self hatred that I have not been able to keep losing weight at the rate of others I know. I have a friend who has lost almost 100 pounds in 6 months. Now that is something. I think to myself why can I not run that fast? Why can I not have that much self control. I try and convince myself that its about small changes when all I really want is to have ALL the self control in the world and accomplish what has been impossible for me before. I just lack one thing. I still fear. I fear so much about being thin. I know it sounds crazy. I worry it will change things for me. I am afriad of being alone in my thin skin. I dont know why and I have no idea HOW to not fear what will come for me. I feel like when I finally get there I will stand there feeling exposed and naked. I am scared of that. Ihave no idea how to overcome that. But I am going to ask my Father in Heaven to help me with it, because I know he knows the anwsers.