Some days I feel like crying and some days I let myself. Some days I just think "whats the use in crying? It wont change anything." As a rule I try and just move forward and look toward the future with hope and with faith. Today I wonder why it is that I cannot have what I want. I wonder why if its a righteous thing that I want.... can't I just be blessed with it. Kind of seems like that is far gone now, and I wonder how I will feel years from now. Its kind of cruel when you think about the hope that you had that you would spend your life and the next one with someone who you love and its just not to be. There is nothing that can change it, because you are not the one who gets to choose what someone else feels or how they react or where their loyalties will be. You just stand there stunned...hours later...days later....weeks later...possibly years later.And you just wonder why you had to love that person, why you had to even meet that person, if it would just end the way it did. Doesn't that seem wrong? It does to me. Why so often do you find yourself in a possition that you have little or no control over and then left to sort out the pieces and try and find a way to just be happy, just trying not to do anything or look at anything that reminds you of what you no longer have.Some days are a haze and pass just because you push through them. Some days you think you will just HAVE to make it. Other days you search for how to feel, but never quite know what you should feel. Mostly I feel lost. Lost because I dont know how else to feel. Lost because this is it for me.This is the end of the hope road for marriage. Not knowing how I will ever fill the huge hole that knowledge has created. I cant pretend that it didnt happen but I cant bring myself to believe that this is happening to me. How cruel life seems at this moment. When the dream of what you hoped for becomes a reality of what you will never have- life feels very wrong. Searching for a way to feel ok.